My life isn’t really book worthy, and my story is below average on the level of drama many other people face. However, I believe this just makes my life more relatable? While many LGBTQ+ people do not have support or go through difficult times, this isn’t really about the people that affected my decisions. While they did heavily influence many aspects of my life, in the end it is a mental battle with myself.
Hi, my name is Sam. I am a genderfluid, panromantic asexual.
To this day I still struggle with who I am exactly. At the moment I writing this I am asexual, however, there are many days when I identify as demipansexual. Sexuality is a spectrum. It is not black and white, it’s a wide variety of grays in between that can constantly fluctuate from one end to another.
What was and still is the biggest struggle with identifying as anything like asexual, is that you are constantly questioning yourself. So with you and everyone around you questioning you, it can cause a lot of confusion and insecurities. I know the biggest problem I face with anything in my life is that people's response is usually something along the following:
- You just haven’t met the right person yet.
- So you are just waiting until you feel emotionally close to someone? Like everyone else?
- That’s not real.
- Okay.
So this isn’t everything. Not even close. The last one is weirdly the most hurtful one because the way I am trying to portray it is from people who say it, then act as if I’m going through a phase. Like I am a confused child not able to understand what I really want in life.
Not everyone is trying to hurt me. I know that and I try to understand their reasons for saying these things. But it doesn’t make it any less hurtful.
The thing I run into the most is that I am just waiting like anyone else. No. This is not an actual choice.
Demisexual is lack of sexual feelings without emotional connection first.
Asexual is lack of sexual feelings for other people. At all.
So to be fair, these aren’t strictly the exact definition. Like I mentioned before there is a large gray area that other people sit in. I often say that when I am demisexual, I am so far from the sexual side of the scale that I am almost completely asexual. This is why it can be hard to identify, because of that scale that many people don’t know exist.
Another struggle is explaining being demisexual when trying to enter a relationship. It takes longer for demi’s to know if they are interested in a person physically. Which for some people can be difficult because it means they have to wait, and sometimes that physical portion never comes along. At the point it comes down to several options. Are you actually happy together and want to stay with them? Even if you are happy, are they okay with committing to a relationship that is going to be, for the most, not physical. Some people can’t commit to this lifestyle, which is the biggest struggle for anyone on the asexual spectrum. Finding a partner who is okay with living like this.
Asexual’s can have sex.
Now when I say this, it is saying that many asexual people will be sexual with their partners. This doesn’t mean they aren’t asexual. Do not invalidate someone who is asexual, but will have sex with a partner. This is just part of that wide spectrum that says, some asexuals can have sex and enjoy it with a partner. This doesn’t mean they see someone and think ‘I want to have sex with them.’ They still have the same parts and can feel the same things. They just aren’t mentally ever wanting to do it in the same way as other people do.
I have tried to cover some basic info on the asexual spectrum. A lot of it is just understanding that nothing is as simple as herterosexual and homosexual. Or girl and boy. It is like looking at an iceberg and seeing the top of it, but the majority of that iceberg is actually under the surface of the water. Harder to see or understand, but still there.
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